onlyjhr

suicidal thoughts are so dangerous

i think i’m suicidal. 

but i’m not too sure if i am. 

i think i can help myself, cause i don’t feel people can really hear my cry. 

i’m invisible and i just want to disappear. 

why am I constantly crying cause of you.

i don’t need to be crying for this shit. 

no i will NOT cry. 

i know i’m not the best daughter in the world but i try my best to love you both.

dad i know you’re mad i always stand up for mom in verbal arguments and that you feel alone. i know you’re loving to the family in your own little ways, you’re like a child or a old old old man who acts like a child cause you never had a child hood from the start cause you lived a rough life as a kid. it’s cause you’re illogical with your fights, i know it’s cause how you grew up and in your family the men is always right, but things have changed and i wish so much for you to see that. i know i don’t have the best attitude in the world and today you finally couldn’t take it and blew up at me, we both have our wrongs and we’re too prideful to admit it

the pain has subsided.

it’s so dangerous the way you use your words, the way you use them as weapons against me. how you’ll tell me “of course you’re the first person i think about and want to share things with when i see something amazing!” when you tell me that, do you realize what impact it causes. what sparks flies? and yet the meaning i perceive compared to the meaning you meant it to be are two totally different feelings of intentions.

i need help. i need someone to help me let go. i’ve fallen too deep for the past years. i can’t tell what your feelings are. though i’m 90 percent sure they are not what i favor. i have 10 percent amount of hope and just want to have a little faith. though i know i should let go, i also feel like if i don’t feel like this for you, i would break. i know there’s so many other people out there. i know all that, but for now in my life you’re the only perfect one. perfect has never existed for me, i’m aware of your flaws, but i’m also aware of how rare it is to have an honest soul like you live.

every fiber of your being, makes me want to live even more. the way your eyes glisten, when i look in your eyes i can’t stare in the depths of your soul but yet i yearn to understand it more than anyone else would in this world.

i know how many beautiful girls want you.

i also know what close friends we are. i know i have that advantage. but i know i will never take advantage of that fact.

i’m a mess.  

and i all honesty i want to be with you. i feel it’s wrong that i do feel this way, i feel that i’m betraying some of my closest friends by feeling things way. but they’re the reasons i’ve held back as well…

i hate it when they tell me they like you first, i never got the chance to tell them, i liked him first for the past years. but at the same time, i’m not the type you’d fall for am i. i know. i know. i know.